Covers on, covers off!

     It's a wonder how I even get any shut eye.   Each night begins with loading up my blue lunch cooler with frozen rice bags and blue ice blocks.  I swear my body knows when this is happening because the hot flashes start flashing away....flashing alllll the way down the hall to my bedroom.

     Seriously....menopause is jacked up!  It's miserable, sweaty and exhausting!  I'm chalking this day up as a bad one.   Sure I take supplements....but they only ease the symptoms, they don't get rid of them.  

   So I have my cooler filled with my precious, frozen, snuggly  bedtime companions in place...ceiling fan on high and have taken the 3rd shower of the day, aiming to get myself as comfortable as possible for the most uncomfortable night ahead.   I did finally get smart though and put a small, table fan on my bedside table.  That does seem to help...sigh....looking for the positive.

    I keep wondering how long am I going to have to endure, what seems to me as pure torture for a woman.  I've had woman tell me, "It's not so bad, just laugh your way through it".   I'm sorry, LAUGH?   There is absolutely nothing funny about your inner core burning up and causing you to sweat all over.  You can't get cool to save your life...then minutes later you're chilly.  Sucks!!!  And the sleep deprivation seriously makes me cry...not giggle. 

     I'm cranky...moody....sleepy....some day's I'm creating my own seven dwarves all wrapped up in this 41 year old body!   Sweaty...loopy...forgetful, and my personal fav....Mrs. Irritable!!  Sure....I'll laugh!  It's hysterical.

     I pray.  A lot.  All day.  Seems I have the same conversation with the Lord every day.  Starts a little like..."Jesus, give me the strength today to get through the symptoms as they come and go", and by the end of the day..."Lord, I didn't punch anyone today and I thank you for that.  I'm getting ready to go to bed...help me to sleep even if just a bit more than last night". 

    Then there's the pity party days.  The what if's....Like what if I didn't get the hysterectomy...or why did I?  I've even told myself how stupid I was to trust what my dr. said.  Why didn't I educate myself a little bit more.   Years later, I live with regret.

     Now, granted, I was pretty sick.  I knew "something" had to be done.  Just wish I had more options back then.   I suppose 10 years later it's silly to look back and be sad.  But as I've been dealing with the withdrawals of Estrodial in my system, the instant menopause rears it's ugly head.  I've found myself mourning.  Yes, I grieve for the lack of estrogen in my body.  I miss a strong, thriving, energetic body...knowing I can never go back.  Things will never be the same. 

     I had the hysterectomy 10 yrs ago...so you're probably thinking "why are you just now thinking about all of this?".  Well it's because from the day of the surgery, I've been on hormone replacement therapy (HRT).  I never had a single menopausal symptom, until now.

    So frozen rice bags are my new best friend!  For now...I just deal and pray this process ends soon.  God is good all the time...all the time, God is good.   

~stay cool...and stay dizZy